Spontaneous Girl

Hello blogosphere. Long time no talk. Or, I haven't really talked to you in awhile. You don't really talk back.

Today I would like to introduce you to 'Spontaneous girl'. Do you know her? Maybe. Does she know you? Probably. Will you feel like you know her by the end of this post? For better or for worse, I hope so.

A working definition: Spontaneous girl is a hypothetical college co-ed who is commonly characterized by fun-lovingness, flakiness, finding her identity in randomness, and causing annoyance to her immediate friend group.

(Note to my faithful readers: Spontaneous girl is an idea, not an actual person. If you begin reading this article and start thinking "OMG I totally share like 90% of Spontaneous girl's hobbies / tendencies / psychological make-up" and begin wondering "Is Jordan talking about ME???" then stop thinking and wondering such things. First of all, I'm not observant enough to write a post about one person. Second, you're not important enough to have a whole post devoted to your life.)

Spontaneous girl is, in the initial analysis, perhaps best understood by her facebook profile. After all, she's an avid social networker, and more than a little concerned about her online image. (difference between me and spontaneous girl: both are avid social networkers. But I am not exactly worried / concerned.) Common characteristics include, but are not limited to:
1) More than 65 pictures in her profile picture album.
2) TMI in her personal interests, activities, favorite movies, etc.
3) An 'About Me' section that looks something like this:
'Hey I'm ashley and I'm really fun-loving and I love trying new things!!! I love meeting new people, so if you have any other questions, just ask!!!'
(The exclamation points here are important. I hate unnecessary exclamation points. I don't necessarily hate spontaneous girl, though.)
4) Notes. No one writes notes, except spontaneous girl.

SG's calendar is comprised of numerous lunch dates, trips to the farmer's market or other exclusively organic food sources, and hours devoted to facebook stalking. Spontaneous girl loves the outdoors...or does she? SG leads her extended friend group in number of mid-week "Hey would y'all wanna go hiking this weekend?" ideas. The problem is, if the hiking trip actually happened, she probably didn't go. Secretly, she hates the outdoors as much as the random blonde actress that plays Lindsay Lohan(s) potential step-mom in the Parent Trap remake. (Score. I have now successfully related to my female followers born within 3 years of 1990.)

She's a serial dater, but never a "serious" dater. (i.e. since earning her learner's permit, she hasn't gone more than 3 months without having a boyfriend. But after each break-up: "things weren't really that serious anyways. It's just better if we're friends.") Spontaneous girl is also known to be obsessed with the thought of road trips. Every other weekend, she's "sorta talked to a few girls about just like driving to the beach for the night." If you go to Wake, think random out-of-the-blue trip to Myrtle Beach. Maybe not even spend the night. Just DRIVE THERE, SEE THE OCEAN, and DRIVE BACK. (SG, the ocean might not be there next weekend; you need to make sure it's still there.) Among other things, SG is also the queen of "It just fell through". Weren't you going to the beach this weekend? Yeah, but it fell through. Mountains? It's supposed to rain all day. Cabin? We wanted to save gas money. There's one thing you can always count on with SG: you can't count on her. It's not even necessarily a flaw; it just is. She's always one spontaneous step ahead of you, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I have detected two underlying forces for her spontaniety. The first is FOMO, the fear of missing out. Here's the thing: the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side of spontaneous girl's social calendar. Her weekend options are filed into "potentially fun", "potentially more fun" and "potentially most fun". Multiple options are the spice of her spontaneous life. By considering all options, maybe she didn't miss out on any of them. What is more, she's sneaky...
Ask spontaneous girl on any given Wednesday what she's doing that weekend. What's that? You're intimidated by her? Okay, I'll ask her, reluctantly...

"SG, how ya doing?"
"HEY JORDAN! (She's overly excited to see me. She can't be THAT excited.) Not much! I just got done getting my hair cut (TMI) and now I'm just meeting some people for lunch." (Is she really meeting people? She didn't mention names. Do I care what she's doing? I asked how she's doing.)
Trying to act interested. "Sounds like fun. Where are y'all going?"
"Oh, we haven't really decided yet." I should have known.
"I gotcha."
"Yeah." Spontaenous girl pauses, waiting for the "weekend" question. I can't help but ask.
"So what are you up to this weekend?"
SG shows a facial expression resembling a child on Christmas morning who acts excited about opening a present she had secretly opened on December 22. She acts like she hasn't even thought about the weekend, that she never thought you'd ask. She has thought about the weekend; she was hoping you would ask.
"You know, I really haven't thought about it! I've talked to some people about going to Zach's cabin, but I'll probably decide something last minute."
What does this even mean? Don't these statements contradict one another? Is it possible to "not think" about a weekend, but "talk to people" about it? Does SG even know Zach? Let us dissect.
SG has been throwing out her lines since Monday morning, in preparation for this weekend. Whatever, whomever, lands the biggest bite / sounds like the "most fun" alternative, she will do this weekend. She has probably already decided her Friday night, and your fate. But SG wants you to think she doesn't care that much about the weekend, that she's secure in "whatver ends up happening", that she'll "hang out with whoever". To plan, but appear not to have planned--that is her formula. She is a living contradiction, a mystery that has haunted my conscience for...minutes.

For whatever reason, SG thrives off of appearing to be random and spontaneous. Why? You tell me.

Other characteristics / FAQs:
'What kind of ice cream does SG order?' Rainbow cream, or rocky road with gummy worms.
'Is she a vegetarian?' Yes.
'Is she obsessed with being a vegetarian?' Yes.
'How many times has she told you about it?' 5-6
'Is she really a vegetarian?' No. She eats at Taco Bell when under the influence.
'What kind of music does she listen to?' Check her facebook. "ALL KINDS!!!" In reality, she listens to 'Chicken fried', Usher, and way too much Justin Beiber.
'Has she read the Twilight series?' She skimmed them, and then saw the movies.
'Physical exercise?' 30 minute run with mini Ipod, followed by swimming.
(Speaking of iPods, she has lost more than two ipods in the last 5 years. Or she has broken them. Her parents continue to buy her new ones. This fuels her spontaneity.)
'Did spontaneous girl exist before today's technology?' Does batman exist without his cape?
'How long has it taken you to come up with spontaneous girl?' Next question.
'Would you date spontaneous girl?' Give me a 6-digit annual salary, and we'll talk.

In closing, I will give a (key word) hypothetical situation that altogether summarizes SG's life:
You are having a party next weekend. I don't care what kind of party it is; use your imagination. You make a facebook event page, to make sure everyone is invited. Most people ignore the event page; they've heard about the party already. Some people RSVP, but this only serves as a rough estimate as to who will actually show up. Spontaneous girl regretfully clicks "not attending". What is more, she is the only one of the 157 people you invited to write on the 'event wall'. She has to make sure everyone knows WHY she won't be there. "Wish I could be there!! Have to pick my brother up from the airport. Ugghh have so much fun though!!" I will not speculate as to whether the other guests are relieved to see that SG will not be attending. What is certain, however, is what ends up happening the night of the party. 45 minutes in, after most of the guests have arrived, Spontaneous girl miraculously shows up. "Oh my gosh Ashley I thought you weren't coming!!" "Yeah I wasn't gonna be able to, but my brother's flight got cancelled!" Likely story. "I'm so glad I could come!" We are to. Spontaneous girl lives to randomly float through another day.